Around and Back

It's been a long, long while. Maybe I should feel guilty, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe fans have wandered away, maybe you haven't, but I'll not get upset since I'm the one who mysteriously disappeared.

I've often used this Artist Comment space as a storytelling space, and to apologize for my disappearances, and to confess things weighing on my mind. I suppose this time it's a bit of all of them.

To those dear folk who have stuck by me for a long while, you may recall my struggles five or six years ago to even find a name for what was wrong with my body, and to find a doctor who would even acknowledge that there was something wrong. You may recall how I kept losing bits of my life to this vicious, nameless gravity that wouldn't let me up out of bed, that kept stealing my time and my mental function. You might recall how elated I was to finally find the name of my enemy, hypothyroidism, and how frustrating the journey has been even with medication. I've posted so many journals and so many artist comments on this, and I don't think I took any down, so you may well be able to go back and read them if you have any urge to do so.

Mine isn't just the 'take a pill and I'm good' kind of hypo. Despite my best efforts, this last year has been a slog through brainfog and fatigue, a busted ankle, another failure at being able to keep an outside-the-house job, more weight fluctuations (up or down a range of about 30 lbs), visiting naturopaths who want to help but can't prescribe the things they can see I need and other doctors who COULD prescribe but won't because they've been trained not to by the company that makes Synthroid. A year of being hopeful and fighting to maintain without losing ground. A year of creative effort followed by the prospect of posting them becoming too much for me most of the time. (You know how it goes, procrastinating on a voluntary project for a while, and every time you go back, you feel just a bit more guilty for the neglect, and that guilt slows you down, trips you up, builds a wall between you and actually getting things done.)

It's also been a year of meeting new people, making music, watching the children of folks dear to me grow and change. A year of seeing far-off family and cherishing every moment, because sudden near-tragedy has made it clear that this might be the last time the current whole group can be gotten together. A year of finding out how much my family believes in me and my musical ability. A year of remembering that even though I feel like hell, I AM stubborn enough and strong enough to fight through an eight-hour no break gas station night shift on a busted ankle, and that even though I failed, it wasn't for lack of trying. A year of finding, to my amazement, that there are folks willing to fight for me and beside me, even though I do spend so much time out of contact.

I kind of can't believe it's this late in the year, to be honest. My sense of time is skewed. I've been making and selling and kicking, and I've packed a surprising amount of doing into this year, even if it hasn't been around here, and even if it doesn't feel like I'm doing much when I'm tired and feeling down about all of this.

A few weeks ago, I went back to the endocrinologist I'd seen for all this waaaay back in high school, the one who was unable to help me then because his hands were tied by what insurance would and would not pay for. I saw the Physician Assistant there, told her my usual long story of autoimmune family history and symptoms and that I've been fighting this for ages, and for the first time, someone in a position to help me actually said that it's not in my head, that it sounds autoimmune all the way down the line, that she wanted to help and appreciated that I had done a great deal of research as a patient. She told me a range of blood tests I could have done and what they would mean, and actually dug-up the out of pocket prices for me and let me decide what I could afford that day and what I might want to do in the future. She saw me as a human being and didn't do any of the things so many others have done to blame me for my condition, which is damn-near stunning. A few days ago, the results came back, and there was something in them that could be treated, that she was willing to treat.

So today I started on Cytomel in addition to my Synthroid. This simple sentence doesn't convey how big a thing this is. Five years on the same dose of the same 'gold standard' chemical and getting worse and worse and occasionally a tiny bit better and then back to worse (as is so common in autoimmune diseases). Finally a ray of hope, a new weapon in my fight. Even that doesn't explain it with the bells and whistles and fanfare, but it's as close as I can say it clearly.

I often say intend to do a lot of things, and then beat myself up for falling short of even tiny goals. It takes a lot of energy, beating oneself up. I'm learning not to, though I slip from time to time, but wasted energy means less energy to spend on good things. And goals are important, even small goals, even goals that I have to keep circling around like a hawk with bad aim. So. With this new start, I intend to try to do better. If it actually helps, I intend to exercise more. I intend to get back into practice playing my grandfather's guitar. I intend to write new songs, and to do my damnedest to make something of them. I intend to keep at my art, and to show up here more often.

That's a lot of intention, and pretty big goals for the state I've been in so far this year, so I'll stop there for now. Doesn't mean I don't have more things I want to do, just that as a consequence of limited energy, I'm (slowly) learning that it's more effective for me to put energy toward a few things until I've got them right  rather than spreading myself thin over too many projects and never getting anything done, getting disheartened and abandoning them.

Huh, wonder if that means I'm growing up? I rather hope not, but things and stuff.

So here, a shiny thing photo, taken by a dear photographer friend over some gabbing and good music, posted with full permission. I have a great whomp more from this occasion, I'll post as time and energy prmit. I'll fully admit that her skills in photography are fantastic and put mine to shame, and it makes my day that she could make my shinies look so good. ^_^

If you want to see another thing I've done in my long absence, you might take a look at  soundcloud.com/courtney-renea-… I've only recorded two of my songs, but it's definitely on the list. ^_^

To those who have stuck around, and to those who have read this far, hugs and adoration! Even though I disappear, you folks are dear to me.

->Razzi